‘The Brass Bed’ – Jennifer Stevenson (Ballantine Books)

I’m pretty much burnt out from a week of ‘paranormal romance’ (currently slogging my way through ‘The Host’) so I’ll say right now that this isn’t a review at all. However, I thought it was still worth a mention as not only am I all about the romance this week (so thought I’d point this out to fans of the sub-genre) but my wife had a quick read and it made her laugh out loud. More on that in a bit…
Here’s the synopsis,

THE CURSE: Satisfy one hundred women or be trapped in a brass bed forever. Lord Randall was a lousy lover in 1811, so his magician-mistress turned him into a sex demon. Lucky for him, the bed fell into Clay's hands.
THE CON: Sex therapy for women on an antique brass "treatment bed" Clay has the perfect scam going, until that pesky, foxy fraud investigator Jewel comes sniffing around. Lucky for him, she has a soft spot for hunky con men.
THE CHOICE: Sex demon or sex fraudster? Jewel is Randy's hundredth woman. Now he says he's her personal sex slave, and her case against the con artist is dissolving in a hail of hormones. Lucy for her, she's a tough cop with a lusty libido.

So I’m sat at the computer playing Tetris and my wife decides to take a closer look at the sort of book I’ve been reading this week. I don’t hear much from her for a little while and then she bursts out laughing. This line was what gave her the giggles…

‘Her tingly bits were doing a conga dance. How long would it take him to give her a hundred orgasms?’

The sex demon with a case of Stockholm syndrome also sounded funny but… her ‘tingly bits’? This sounds like a book that won’t be taking itself too seriously so if you’re a fan of that kind of thing then it might be worth a look. I don't think much of the cover though...

‘Timeless Moon’ – C.T. Adams and Cathy Clamp (Tor Books)

A large part of Bank Holiday Monday was spent digging up our rather scruffy looking lawn in preparation for planting grass seed and having a nice new lawn for the summer. At least that’s the plan; there were a lot of birds sat on the garden fence waiting for all the seed to be sown… In between all this hard labour, I found time to read the next book for my themed ‘week of love’ on the blog even though ‘Hellbent and Heartfirst’ had done plenty to put me off this venture! ‘Timeless Moon’ was next up and an improvement could be seen…
On the front cover of ‘Timeless Moon’ Laurell K. Hamilton writes, ‘A world this enjoyable deserves more than one visit’. The fact that this is the sixth book in a series gives this statement a degree of validity but it’s the similarities between this world and that of Anita Blake which made me chuckle when I went back and read the blurb on the cover again. There are no vampire hunters (because there are no vampires!) but there are a huge number of were-creatures, called Sazi, all living in their own loose knit tribes which all seem to be at danger from the ‘snake Sazi’. The snakes have got an evil masterplan brewing and the only Sazi who can stop them is a Seer who is more than half mad as her visions mean she is constantly living in the past, present and future. The only Sazi who can get her to help is the man who walked out on her over a hundred years ago (these Sazi are very long lived). That’s where the love comes in…
As I’ve mentioned, ‘Timeless Moon’ is the sixth book in its series so it’s probably not the best book to start at, there’s a lot going on that it’s assumed you will already know about. I was left floundering for a bit but luckily the story picks up and drives things along quite nicely with a half decent blend of mystery and action. I say ‘half decent’ as the ‘love sub-plot’ and certain facets of Josette’s (the Seer) character sink their claws into the story and drag it down. If you’re a fan of ‘paranormal romance’ then you’ll probably love the ‘romance’ stuff but I found the endless soul searching (‘Does he love me?’ ‘Do I love him?’ etc etc) tedious and detracting from the story. Maybe I’m missing the point here… I’ve also come to the conclusion that if I ever go to America, I won’t be able to get a motel room as they will all be booked out by fey creatures who are after a little, you know… Yep, our two heroes decided to take time out from saving their people and get it on; this comes just after they’ve got rid of the third part of their love triangle so you can’t really blame them I suppose… This probably makes great reading for the target audience but that’s just not me. I guess I am really missing the point…
The other thing that made this read a jarring experience was Josette flitting between past, present and future whilst in her ‘Seer state’. If she didn’t know what year she was in, how was I meant to know? I lost a lot of time trying to figure out where I was with this…
‘Timeless Moon’ redeems itself slightly by attempting to stick to some kind of plot but there was too much other stuff that refused to let the story come through. I’m trying to be fair with a genre that is quickly turning out not to be my thing at all, hence the two scores below…

My score: Five out of Ten

A score for fans of ‘paranormal romance’: Seven and a Half repentant ex-lovers and a love triangle out of ten

‘Hellbent & Heartfirst’ – Kassandra Sims (Tor Books)

My journey into the previously unexplored sub-genre of ‘paranormal fantasy’ begins with the tale of an aid-worker that falls for a mysterious Texan with a line in breaking curses and killing demons. Soul searching, side ways glances and magic ensues and I was left wondering just what the difference between ‘paranormal romance’ and ‘urban fantasy’ actually is, they both look the same from where I’m sitting…
It’s made very clear right from the start that our heroine, Jacyn Boaz, really needs a man. Not only is she divorced but her work as an aid worker (in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina) has depressed her to the extent that she is ‘mentally and physically exhausted’. I sometimes miss obvious stuff in books but even I found myself telling Jacyn that she really needs to settle down with someone nice! That someone turns out to be Jimmy Wayne, a Texan made up of every stereotype and cliché you can think of. Go on; think of a cliché… Yep, that’s Jimmy Wayne. What follows is a kind of dance where they get to know each other for a couple of hours and then tear each other’s clothes off on a regular basis. I felt like I was reading Laurell K. Hamilton all over again…
I yelled at the book, telling the two characters to get a room. They promptly booked into a hotel…
Call me old-fashioned but is this actually romantic? I’m working on the assumption that the term ‘romantic’ is being used to describe the target audience rather than the book itself. Lines like the one below back up what I’m saying,

‘Jacyn thought that he was probably the source of original sin, or at least had sent several women straight to hell just by existing.’

I have to thank Kassandra Sims for that line, not only did it make me laugh out loud but it also confirmed some of my worst suspicions about this book…
Oh yes, there’s a demon hunting sub-plot going on at the same time. Well, that’s what I was told but I had trouble finding it among all the soul searching and introspection that was going on. While this may be good solid stuff for a ‘paranormal romance’ fan I found myself tuning out after a while the result of this being that something big would happen and I’d have no idea how things arrived at that point!
I’m one book into this week and I have to say that I am dreading my next read if it is anywhere near as turgid as the book I have just put down. A ‘romance’ that isn’t romantic or an ‘urban fantasy’ with no plot to speak of? I can’t make my mind up and, to be honest, I’ve got better things to do…

Two out of Ten.

(If you're a fan of this sub-genre and look for all this stuff, that made me want to curl up in a ball, then this book is a respectable 'Seven handsome Texans out of Ten'. I didn't like it but I reckon you will.)